Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
