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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.